The Eccentrics
The MacGruder-Grundy’s may be out of cash—but they’re never short on potential
NYCMMM Screenwriting Competition - Round 2
For the second round of the 2004 Midnight Moviemaking Madness Screenwriting Contest, I was assigned the genre and topic of "Comedy" and "Someone who has the most meaningless job in the world."I had twenty-four hours to write a script. Rather than having just one person with a meaningless job, I opted to create an entire family of people who are passionate about job that most people would consider meaningless.
Thus the MacGruder-Grundys were born and their fortune made in envelopes without plastic windows.
Runner-Up
The script was only a runner-up in the final round, no doubt because it is not nearly cinematic enough. Having had very little time and only a few hasty ideas to work with, I fell back on an interview format to tell my story. If I had it to do again, I would take a different tack to tell the tale of this oddball family.
Download "The Eccentrics".
The Eccentrics
FADE IN:
EXT. CITYSCAPE - DAY
A shot of the Manhattan skyline. The camera pans past the
Empire State building and tilts down over Rockafeller Center.
EXT. STUDIO BUILDING - SAME
From the outside, we see the glass front of a street-level
studio set. Catchy MUSIC plays as a title zooms up over a
gathering crowd. It reads "A.M.erica - with Andrew Talbot."
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
This morning on A.M.erica, the MacGruder
Grundy family faces financial straits...
Andrew Talbot interviews the family and
talks live in our downtown studio with
their father, Caleb.
The catchy music fades and we...
CUT TO:
INT. STUDIO - DAY
Andrew Talbot, a typical thirty-something talk show
INTERVIEWER, sits near CALEB MACGRUDER-GRUNDY, a well-dressed
man in his sixties.
INTERVIEWER
Good morning. Welcome to the show,
everyone. This morning, we'll be talking
to one of America's most interesting
families. Here with me in the studio is
Caleb MacGruder-Grundy--millionaire
inventor and father of four very
interesting children...
The interviewer turns to face his subject.
INTERVIEWER (CONT'D)
Mr. MacGruder-Grundy--
CALEB
Please, call me Caleb.
INTERVIEWER
Now, your fortune--a immense fortune that
has attracted the attention and awe of
the American public for years, and one
that has brought your family to a sort of
celebrity status--
CALEB
Well, the fortune, yes... But also, I
think, the special impressive talents of
my children have brought that
attention...
INTERVIEWER
Yes, indeed.... But the fortune. Your
family initially made its millions
through an invention. That envelope with
the little plastic window in it...
CALEB
No, no... Those had already been
invented, actually. My invention was the
envelope with the window but without the
plastic...
INTERVIEWER
(taken off guard)
So, wait... Before your invention, you
say, there already was an envelope with a
window in it?
CALEB
Yes, but with the plastic.
INTERVIEWER
So then, essentially, you... um...
invented the idea of removing the
plastic.
CALEB
Yes, that's right... I invented the kind
without the plastic.
The interviewer looks around at the crew and the off-screen
audience, as though wondering if anyone shares his confusion.
He composes himself and continues.
INTERVIEWER
So, you mentioned your children. And
really, that's a part of what we're here
to ask you about today.... The MacGruder
Grundy fortune is nearly spent. You've
lost a great deal by investing in your
children's ventures--
CALEB
I'd've lost far more if I'd put money in
the stock market.
The interviewer chuckle briefly along with Caleb.
INTERVIEWER
But seriously. What's on the agenda for
the MacGruder-Grundy's at this critical
point?
CALEB
Well, it's been close to forty years
since I've had to worry much about it.
But now that I do, I have a plan with a
great deal of potential. I think it will
all work out for us in the end...
INTERVIEWER
I bet our audience is eager to hear what
that plan is. But first, let's talk to
the MacGruder-Grundy children.
MONTAGE - MACGRUDER-GRUNDY FAMILY
A series of family photos rolls across the screen. The four
children--Michael, Mitch, Ursula, and Millicent--are seen at
various ages.
INTERVIEWER (V.O.)
Some analysts have outright blamed them
for emptying the family coffers with
meaningless projects and wildly
unsuccessful ventures... We wanted to
give them the chance to tell us a little
bit more about what they do, and why...
CUT TO:
EXT. KINGSTOWN MUNICIPAL BUILDING - DAY
A small town government building in Kingstown, Texas. A
single pickup truck is parked outside.
INTERVIEWER (V.O.)
First, we visited Michael MacGruder
Grundy, conductor of the Kingstown
Symphony Orchestra in Kingstown, Texas.
INT. HALLWAY - SAME
A door with a glass pane that reads "Kingstown Symphony
Orchestra" opens, and we move inside. Beyond the door is a
tiny office dominated by a desk buried in stacks of sheet
music. Over one of the stacks, we can barely make out the
baldpate of MICHAEL MACGRUDER-GRUNDY.
Beneath the visible portion of Michael's head appears the
caption: "Michael MacGruder-Grundy, Composer and Conductor."
INTERVIEWER (O.S.)
Hello? Anyone--
Michael stands up and walks around the desk to greet the
crew. He is a skinny, meticulous looking thirty-something man
with a maestro mustache, wearing an a well-pressed suit.
MICHAEL
Please, come in, won't you? Welcome to
the offices of the Kingston Symphony
Orchestra...
The interviewer steps into the shot to shake Michael's hand.
INTERVIEWER
Well, that leads right to my first
question, Mr. MacGrud--
MICHAEL
Please, call me Michael.
INTERVIEWER
From what I understand, there is no
symphony orchestra here in Kingston...
MICHAEL
Well, in the technical sense, that's
true, I suppose...
INTERVIEWER
The technical sense?
MICHAEL
I mean, sure. We don't have a full
orchestra here... We're lacking a bit in--
INTERVIEWER
Technicalities aside, are their any
musicians connected with a city orchestra
here?
MICHAEL
No musicians, no... But we do have, well,
me. I'm the conductor of the orchestra.
INTERVIEWER
The nonexistant orchestra...
MICHAEL
I'm the conductor.
They share an awkward pause.
INTERVIEWER
How does that work exactly? I mean, what
does a conductor do without musicians to
actually, you know, play the music?
MICHAEL
Well, I see myself really as a sort of...
cultural envoy. As I see it, it's my job
to bring new musical experiences to the
people of Kingstown. For example, this
summer's program--which I put together-
includes pieces by Elgar, Shashtakovich,
and Rimsky-Korsakov. I want to introduce
the public to artists they may not
already know, and who they might not find
in the local music stores. Which--not to
sound like too much of an obscurantist-
don't really carry a wide array of
periods and styles...
INTERVIEWER
(clearing his throat)
Last week... You conducted a performance
of Stravinsky's "Firebird Suite."
MICHAEL
Yes. The "Firebird," and also some Chopin
pieces that Stravinsky arranged for the
opening night of "The Rite of Spring" at
the Elysee Theater in 1913...
INTERVIEWER
And how did the audience react?
MICHAEL
They seemed a little... Well,
disappointed, frankly...
INTERVIEWER
Why do you think that is?
MICHAEL
Well, I think it may have had to do with
not being able to hear the music...
INTERVIEWER
Because no one was playing it...
MICHAEL
I mean, I could hear it--in my head, as
it were. And I tried to convey with my
conducting the beauty of the music and--
INTERVIEWER
Convey it through your conducting?
MICHAEL
Yes, exactly. As a composer myself, I see
conducting as the actualization of a
musical potentiality. You see, music--any
music--is really a sort of potentiality.
It's its purest when it's, in fact, not
being played--when it's flawless, on the
sheets or in the mind, untouched by the
flaws of actual instruments or musicians.
But I suspect the audience wasn't really
with me on that...
INTERVIEWER
They just couldn't hear it...
MICHAEL
Yes, I suppose... So for the summer
program, I guess I'll have to come up
with some way of conveying it better...
If that doesn't work, though, I suppose
we could just take the shortcut and hire
some musicians...
INTERVIEWER
Is the township of Kingstown--the town
government, I mean... Are they paying you
to conduct their orchestra?
Michael seems not to understand the question. He stares
blankly at the interviewer.
CUT TO:
EXT. GOLDEN GATE PARK - DAY
We see the Golden Gate Bridge in the distance and people
playing on the lawn in the park.
INTERVIEWER (V.O.)
Next we met up with Caleb's youngest
daughter, Ursula, in San Francisco. For
many years, she's been working as a
translator, but her recent work has been
a great expense to the family...
We approach a tree, beneath which sits URSULA MACGRUDER
GRUNDY, a pretty brunette in her late twenties, with a laptop
and stack of English dictionaries. She looks up from her
typing and greets the crew.
TITLE: "Ursula MacGruder-Grundy, English Translator"
URSULA
(cheerily)
Hey there! Good to see you! Jeez, sorry
to drag you out the park--to insist that
we meet here. But, you know, sitting in
some dark place all day, a dimly lit
apartment or a restaurant, it just isn't
for me... It's not my cup of tea.
The interviewer joins her beneath the tree and leans over to
shake her hand.
INTERVIEWER
Nice to meet you. It's lovely out here,
really...
URSULA
Oh, yeah. I come here almost every day.
Almost daily.
INTERVIEWER
You've been in San Francisco for how long
now?
URSULA
Just five years. Half a decade. I was in
D.C. before--in our nation's capital-
back when I was a translator for the
White House.
INTERVIEWER
Now you're freelance, eh?
URSULA
So to speak... Basically, I just got fed
up with the politics of translating in
Washington. And I've always wanted to
translate literature--the great works or
any sort of fiction, depending on the
bookstore you frequent--more than what
some Senator has to say, you know?
INTERVIEWER
Now... But the interesting thing about
your translating--
URSULA
Oh, here we go... Okay, I mean, there's
certain things I don't want to talk about
here... You know, because of the lawsuits
--the court cases...
INTERVIEWER
Two of them, right?
URSULA
Three... The big publishing houses, it
seems--what with their their ridiculous
clinging to outdated copyrights, their
intellectual property laws and all that-
they're just all over me. That is to say,
I'm being inundated with litigation.
INTERVIEWER
The issue is your English-to-English
translations. Some say that you've merely
changed the wording, or in some cases
transcribed, the works in question--D.H.
Lawrence's Sons and Lovers, Kurt
Vonnegut's Breakfast of Champions, Tom
Clancy's Hunt for the Red October, among
others. An ecclectic mix...
URSULA
Yeah... I mean, this is my vocation--my
livelihood. In D.C., I translated for the
British Prime Minister when he visited,
for God's sake! We've seen that there's
often a need for intra-English
translation--translation within our own
language--just as much as there is a need
for extra-anglophonic, or foreign,
translations... English-to-English
translators, in fact, have played a role
in the amelioration, or betterment, of
Anglo-American relations. But when I
translate, say, Tom Clancy's work into
Elizabethan dialect, I get sued!
INTERVIEWER
But why translate contemporary works into
older dialects or--as with your recent
translation of Bill Clinton's biography-
into modern Standard American English. Is
it worth the eight million dollars
lawsuit?
URSULA
Absolutely, yes. Translating, it seems to
me--foreign translating, that is--is
always teaching the most obvious lesson.
That we sometimes speak different
languages.
My work, on the other hand, shows that we
just as often speak a similar or the same
language... I, for one, find that
enormously reassuring...
INTERVIEWER
But why Hunt for the Red October then?
URSULA
Haven't you always wanted to hear Jack
Ryan speak in the language of the Bard?
CUT TO:
EXT. MACGRUDER-GRUNDY SPACECORP HEADQUARTERS - DAY
Nestled amid the buildings of midtown Manhattan we see the
tall, sleek glass headquarters of Mitch MacGruder-Grundy's
company, Spacecorp.
INTERVIEWER
Back in New York, I spoke with Caleb's
son Mitch, the youngest of the family-
though sometimes I wondered if we spoke
the same language. Three years ago, Mitch
started Spacecorp, the most costly of the
MacGrunder-Grundy's ventures.
INT. OFFICE - SAME
Wearing a pair of torn jeans and a Dead Kennedy's T-shirt,
MITCH MACGRUDER-GRUNDY sits behind an imposing obsidian desk.
TITLE: "Mitchell MacGruder-Grundy, CEO, Spacecorp"
INTERVIEWER (O.S.)
What exactly does your company do, Mr.
Mac--
MITCH
Call me Mitch.
INTERVIEWER
What's your product?
MITCH
We produce moon suits, moon rovers, moon
colony shelter units, and other moon
equipment...
INTERVIEWER
Moon equipment?
MITCH
For living... on the moon...
INTERVIEWER
I see... Mister--Mitch... Some say that
this company is the biggest money pit
ever dug by a MacGruder-Grundy. What have
your sales been like so far?
MITCH
Pretty slim. But we're hopeful that once
some colonies get started up there--on
the moon--these products will be selling
like hotcakes.
INTERVIEWER
(growing uncomfortable)
Usually companies make products to fill a
current demand. You're company seems to
make products to meet a demand that
doesn't yet exist.
MITCH
True, true... We're always looking
forward--at potentialities. We're ahead
of the curve...
INTERVIEWER
But couldn't some of these products be
sold based on a current need? The
Spacecorp Moon Rover, for example. I
mean, couldn't you sell it as a dune
buggy, or as an upscale golf cart?
MITCH
(incredulously)
A golf cart? Don't you get it? It's
supposed to be used on the moon!
EXT. TRUCKSTOP DINER - NIGHT
A full moon shines in the night sky.
INTERVIEWER (V.O.)
Always looking to the future... Trying to
stay ahead of the curve.
The shot tilts down from the moon, and we see the front of an
almost typical looking diner with a neon sign that reads
"Cafe Bagatelle." The parking lot is half-filled with semis
and tow trucks.
INTERVIEWER (V.O.) (CONT'D)
So too with Caleb's eldest daughter,
Millicent, owner and proprietress of the
Cafe Bagatelle, off Exit 129 of
Interstate 94 in Wisconsin.
INT. TRUCKSTOP DINER - SAME
A burly OLD TRUCKER wearing a Greenbay Packers cap chews on
the stub end of a stogie as he talks to the camera. Behind
him, the well-dressed kitchen staff hussle back and forth
with plates of haute cuisine. The trucker seems bewildered by
the parchment-like menu he's holding.
OLD TRUCKER
(mumbling)
I just... I tell you what, I don't know a
damn thing what's written on there...
The camera racks focus to the kitchen door behind him. A
thin, skittish woman in her thirties, MILLICENT, wearing a
white chef's hat, barks orders to a waiter over the zinc
counter between the kitchen and dining area.
TITLE: "Millicent Ravachol-MacGruder-Grundy, Cuisiniere"
INT. KITCHEN - FOLLOW
We move back into the kitchen. Millicent looks around the
room critically. She glares of one of her assistants who is
cutting onions.
MILLICENT
If you mince them like that, how on earth
do you expect to use them in the tomato
coulis?... For Christ sake, give me that.
She grabs the knife from the shocked assistance and begins
mincing angrily and at twice the speed.
MILLICENT (CONT'D)
Zut, alors... Go stir the bechamel before
it burns!
She turns to another assistant, who rushes past with a
platter of lamb shanks.
MILLICENT (CONT'D)
Josephine, attend. Let Raoul prepare the
osso buco--I want you in charge of the
eggs florentine special...
She reaches for a glass of red wine, swirls it, sniffs the
bouquet expertly, and takes a sip.
INTERVIEWER (O.S.)
Miss MacGruder-Grundy... Can you tell us
what gave you the idea for Cafe
Bagatelle?
She holds the wine in her mouth a moment while considering
her answer then swallows.
MILLICENT
Well, after teaching for six years at the
Culinary Institute, and following my
three years as head chef at "Lucas
Carton" in Paris, I felt it was time I
brought the beauty of French haute
cuisine to the hard working people of
rural Wisconsin. What better spot than a
truck stop?
INTERVIEWER (O.S.)
And how has your experiment turned out?
Do truckers enjoy the haute cuisine?
MILLICENT
(school-marmishly)
Oh, but they're like children! They all
want cafes americains and soggy apple
pie. They're utterly oblivious to the
charms of a chocolate marzipan brioche
coffeecake! They want "eggs over easy"-
not the quiche lorraine. They don't even
care that the spinach is organic!
(chuckling good-naturedly)
But I'll educate their palates yet. We
all deserve to know the finer things in
life, n'est-ce pas?
INT. DINING AREA - SAME
The old trucker, still gripping his menu, points emphatically
to one of the items listed on it.
OLD TRUCKER
Now, look here. Right here. What'n the
hell is a "trout grain-o-bloyze"? A man
comes off a twelve-hour drive, he wants a
patty melt or--I don't know--maybe a good
steak with some ketchup. Not some goddamn
frenchified fish.
A YOUNGER TRUCKER, with a Marlboro behind his ear, comes up
and grabs the older trucker's shoulder.
YOUNGER TRUCKER
C'mon, Destry... I know you like those
French fries...
OLDER TRUCKER
(shaking him off)
Shee-it....
YOUNGER TRUCKER
Now, c'mon, hoss. Let's go across the way
there, get a chicken fried steak or
sumpin'...
As the two men walk away, the camera racks focus to a
MECHANIC behind them who is seated before a delicately
prepared plate of trout grenobloise and fresh vegetables.
Noticing the camera, the mechanic holds up a glass of white
wine, toasting the camera.
MECHANIC
Well, y'ask me, I think it's all right!
He smiles a toothless grin.
CUT TO:
INT. STUDIO - DAY
Back in the studio, the interviewer leans in to his subject
in a way that suggests it's wrap-up time.
INTERVIEWER
Now, Mr. MacGruder Grundy... You've
funded every one of these ventures. Is
that correct?
CALEB
Quite right, yes...
INTERVIEWER
And you've spent--some would say
squandered--the better part of your
fortune to pay for your children's, well,
failed attempts. Do you feel any
disappointment, or even anger, about any
of this?
CALEB
Anger? Disappointment? It never would
have occurred to me...
They've tried their best, and they've
done a fairly good job of it, I'd say.
INTERVIEWER
But even as your estate erodes, you're
still willing to fund these wild
ventures? Why?
CALEB
They're my children... It's who they are.
Millicent is a cuisiniere--whether she
does it in Paris or Wisconsin...
Michael's a conductor, orchestra or no...
The fact that no one else has sense
enough to pack it up and move to the moon
shouldn't stop Mitchell. And, like
Ursula, I've always liked a good
paraphrase--a rewording, don't you know.
They are who they are, and I'm willing to
support them no matter what.
INTERVIEWER
But aren't these projects all a bit...
Well... Meaningless?
CALEB
Meaningless? What do you mean,
meaningless?... What do you do? Is the
world gonna end if your don't air your
report on the MacGruder-Grundys?
INTERVIEWER
Well, no, but...
CALEB
Are you a fireman? Are you a doctor?
(airily)
Surely, there are a number of occupations
we consider essential to the way of life
we've gotten used to. But just as surely,
a great many of those occupations can be
shown, in the end effect, to be
relatively unimportant to the way the
world as a whole conducts itself... My
small invention proves the point...
INTERVIEWER
What point is that, Mr. Mac--
CALEB
(excitedly)
The point that even the smallest little
thing can change the world...
Do you know how my meager invention
affected the plastic market? Or what
ungodly sums it saved innumerable
companies?
(leaning back)
My children, it seems to me, have learned
a lesson that more of us should take to
heart. They've done the things they most
want to do in the manner they most want
to do them. That, in itself, might change
a few things for the better.
INTERVIEWER
And you, Caleb? The money's gone--the
house is on the market... What's your
next move--and can it save the MacGruder
Grundy family financially?
CALEB
I've got two words for you: bigger
windows.
THE END
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